Let’s do an Experiment!

I stepped away from the world for a bit… and when I say a bit, I’m talking around 2 and a half years! It wasn’t intentional… it just kind of happened. I’ve kept mostly to myself for so long that going back out into the world was always going to be one big experiment. After leaving long term therapy, you’d hope that things are going to be okay and that being a human would be easier. It is some days and some days it’s not. Therapy didn’t “fix” me, instead, it gave me an opportunity to begin a journey of recovery.  I’ve learned to accept that actually, the journey to recovery never really ends; every day we’re learning to cope, every day we’re still falling down and getting back up and every day we are still learning to love ourselves. I think I’m okay with this being a journey.

So. I’m literally just going to start ranting about what’s plaguing my thoughts at the moment:

People.

Funny things, aren’t we? I’m not the best person at communicating with people. Most of time I find it difficult to appropriately express what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling. Sometimes I don’t understand what people are saying and what they mean and I’ve learned to ask people to clarify, but it’s still hard. I’ve always said that being around people causes so much chaos in my head. I thought maybe after therapy that would just magically fix itself but of course, that’s not the case. However, I think I’m half way to learning what the chaos actually is and what it means.

Example:

I am currently having a very difficult conversation with a friend of mine. It’s so fucking hard but actually, I’ve ran away from the subject matter for over a decade. Initially I felt like telling them to “fuck off” and run away from it as fast as I could. Cut that person out. Pretend it never happened then beat myself up. However, I’ve been fighting the urge to run and avoid and I’ve decided to write on here before I respond to my friend’s message.

I’m sure you’ve all felt that impulsiveness, right? Someone will say something and then all of a sudden, you’ll feel a million emotions all at once, screaming in your head, twisting your gut… and you don’t even know what any of them are trying to tell you… you just know that you’re going to explode… then, for me, I respond to people with rage. I follow whatever those horrible and negative feelings are and then I act upon them. This usually leaves me without friends or saying some horrible things to people… So, I’m taking a breath and processing the message.

I’ve been trying to process the message for 8 hours (bearing in mind this message is very, very long and detailed) and I don’t even think I’m half way there yet. It’s like I’m some kid that doesn’t understand basic communication! I’ve gone through the message picking out the bits that I don’t understand and then asking my friend what they mean. I’ve learnt that’s it’s okay to ask. I’ve opened my laptop to work on three video edits at once. I’ve barely eaten because I just wanted to throw up every time I thought about food. I’ve wanted a damn drink so, so, so bad. I’ve sat here with my shoes on at 10pm, having an internal argument about whether I should go to the shop and get some alcohol. I rode it out, counting down the minutes to 11pm when the shop closes and now I’m here, sober, listening to music, typing… I guess that’s progress, right?

The feelings haven’t changed but I guess it’s about trying to understand your feelings, acknowledging them and in turn, trying to change your response… Three years ago, it probably would’ve gone like this…

Friend replies to your message. You feel like someone literally just stabbed you in the gut. Panic. You reply, your words dripping with rage. You say things that probably shouldn’t be said in such a way. You hurt them. You probably end up losing that friend. Then you’ll act on the rage and go and do something impulsive, whether that be cutting or going out and getting absolutely fucked. You’d get so drunk that your inhibitions would lower and then you’d attempt to kill yourself. You’d still be alive the next day but you feel numb, you feel that you somehow deserve to suffer, you feel ashamed. It takes you a week to get the alcohol out of your system. Then, you’re stuck in a fucking hole, feeling like the world is closing in and you’re not sure if you’re going to be able to get up again.

It is so easy to give in to this response. It would be oh so easy. It’s taking all my strength not to act this way. The awful feelings and thoughts are still there and I would give anything for them to stop pulling me apart. Man, I could fucking drink. But I won’t. A few hours ago, my mind tried to have my evening planned out for me: I was going to get some alcohol, probably cut myself and then take more of my Quetiapine than I’m prescribed,  just so I could pass out and not die. But I couldn’t. I can’t. I have to find a way to deal with this in a healthy manner. I must stay alive for my daughter.

I don’t think I’ll be sleeping much again tonight…  I better start typing out a response and it’ll probably take me a few hours.

Whoever’s still on here, I hope you are all doing well.

Sarah

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Hello!

Wow, this is so weird to be back on here. I was starting up a new blog but hey, this’ll always be my home so I may as well continue using the good ol’ Bernard Bert.

I don’t know who’s still on here or anything… I guess there’s a lot of catching up to do. I should probably update my “about me” page…

The last time I wrote on here was June 18th 2016… I missed this place. I kind of stopped writing when I left therapy in June 2015, but I started up again in my diary a few months ago. But, I’m back and boy does it feel good to type.

Let’s do this!

Who needs sleep anyway?

I haven’t logged on here for a very, very long time. I see that my last post was nearly a year ago, 19th June 2015 actually. Well, it’s 18th June at 2.45am and I’ve decided to write. It’s also been well over a year since I last drank vodka at home. The last time was October 2014 when I took an overdose with shit loads of vodka. At the moment, I’m not really sure how I feel.

Thing is, I’ve missed this feeling. But, I haven’t missed the feeling of burning acid scorching my throat. It somehow seems all worth while The last post I wrote was saying how I was reachingthe end of my 18 month therapy. Ho was it so long ago? It was 25th June 2015. Nearly a year since I had my goodbye party and said goodbye to some very special people in my life. I’m not sure where I went from there. Did I go forwards or backwards, or a bit of both?

I’m listening to some random stiff of youtube at the moment. It’s kind of helping me to write. Got a roll up in my hand and the last bits of vodka left. Where am I after a year of being MBT therapy free? I don’t think my Borderline Personality was cured, I think that’s unrealistic… I think it’s still there but very much trying to break bad habits and destructive ways of thinking. I’m not really therapy free though… A month after I was discharged from MBT, I went into a course of CBT for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Man, did I get quite far with it, made a lot of progress. However, the more progress I made, the more it revealed some unresolved issues underneath all the OCD… underneath all of my coping mechanisms…

It has taken me 14 years to realise that my OCD was covering up something more sinister: the rape I endured when I was 14. I never really dealt with it at the time. Rebelled. A blur of examinations and counselling and psychotherapists. Shock and despair. Always thinking it was someone else. Well, 14 years later, in my 14th session of CBT, I somehow realised that it happened to me.

So CBT has stopped… for now. It’s time to keep going deeper and unravel intricate details of demons I’d much rather avoid. More psychotherapy for trauma. It could be up to 2 years. It feels like I’m going backwards or that I’m not even going anywhere. But, I actually do count my blessings. I am young. I’m 28. I have somehow found the courage to face my demons and try and sort my life out and move on. I’ve been in therapy most of my life that I forget I’m only 28. What better time to do it?

I’m trying to go back to work in September, back into the teaching environment. Every application they ask to explain any gaps you have in employment. I’ve been out of work for two years this coming September. How do I explain that I was trying to fix myself with a year and half worth of therapy? It was like a university course within itself. I miss them. I miss them all. My “crazy” family. Can I really tell them what I have been up to?

Thing is, it takes a lot of balls to do what just a few of us did. No one will ever know the pain and more pain we faced whilst at therapy. Yea, I’m babbling…

Thinking

Almost crying

Sadness

Longing

Lost loves

Regret

Is there hope?

Future

Missing

Nowhere.

Oh shit. It’s getting late and I really don’t want to go to bed. I also don’t want to have to face tomorrow being a human.

Welp. That’s it.